Dance in the Dark
by do you see the stars
Summary: The ladies of Marvel and their relationships with their men, their friends, and themselves. May contain spoilers for AOS and MCU.
1. Maria Hill: Lists, Scales and Flaws

TITLE: Dance in the Dark

AUTHOR: do you see the stars

RATING: T

SUMMARY: The ladies of Marvel and their relationships with their men, their friends, and themselves.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Marvel. The song title comes from a Lady Gaga song of the same title.

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AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Chapter 1: Maria Hill

Maria Hill doesn't like to look in the mirror. When she does, she almost always hates what she sees. She judges every flaw and fault, both in the mirror and within herself. She keeps a list of her mistakes in the back of her mind, to pull out and remind herself that she _has_ to do better. She has to prove that the people who have died because of her didn't die in vain. The list of people is almost as long as the list of mistakes and she hates herself for it.

It started with her mother, then later, her father. As much as she hated him, she never meant for him to drink himself to death. And it was _her fault. _Later, she added her fiance, Jake, to the list. He'd been in the Marines with her and had covered her during an explosion. She survived. He didn't. After she joined S.H.I.E.L.D. the list grew exponentially finally culminating with the Triskelion incident. There is so much blood on her hands that she doesn't think it'll ever wash away.

So every day, she forces herself to look in the mirror as she puts on her make up. Reminds herself that she can accept no less than perfection. She has too many sins to atone for to allow herself the luxury of failure. Then she puts on her shoes and tries to mask her fear and pain, hoping that one day the scales will equal out.


	2. Maria Hill: Souvenirs

**TW: Physical/Sexual Abuse**

Maria Hill sat quietly on her bed, knees pulled up to her chest as tears streamed down her face. Pictures were laid out around her, a desperate attempt to find a happy memory to hold onto. That's what people said when somebody died, wasn't it? Hold onto the good times. But what if there were no good times?

She picked up the locket from the box beside her and opened it, revealing the picture of her parents. Her father was smiling at her mother, her hand on her belly. It was this picture that confused Maria. They were happy. She was wanted. And then some cruel twist of fate had decided that, for Maria to live, her mother had to die. As a child, Maria had frequently wished she had gone with her. Maybe her mother would love her, even if her father didn't.

She can remember family members saying, "Of course he loves you. You're his daughter." She can also remember wearing long sleeves in sweltering heat, trying to hide the angry purple bruises that covered her arms. She can remember her father's friends and her screams for help that went unheeded because her father got so drunk he passed out. She can remember her father throwing her out after finding out about her first love and how her sixteen year old self had lived in her car in the harsh Chicago winter, praying to a god she wasn't even sure she believed in that she wouldn't freeze to death.

She was sure there must have been good times. Somewhere. But when she tried to remember them, nothing came. At least nothing with her father. She can remember playing hop scotch with her best friend, Jessica in the parking lot of the corner store. She can remember her homecoming dance in her junior year and the beautiful dress her boyfriend, Michael, had bought her. She can remember summers with her cousins, Lauren and Shannon, lounging in the pool, her Aunt Sarah bringing out cookies and lemonade to them. But when it came to her father, the only memories she had were terrible.

Sighing, she placed the pictures and momentos back in the box and wiped her eyes. Tomorrow, she'd fly out to Chicago and tend to her father's final arrangements. Tonight, however, she would cry into her pillow, grieving for the little girl she'd been and the father she'd never really had.


	3. Sif: Even War Weeps for the Lost

Sif lay on the cool stone floor of her bedroom, trying to stop the tears that fell from her eyes. Lady Frigga was dead and Asgard seemed empty. Or maybe that was just Sif's heart. The losses were piling up and Sif felt too heavy to lift herself off the floor. Baldur, Loki, Frigga...they had all gone, leaving emptiness in their place. She desperately wished to hear Lady Frigga's voice and feel her run her hand through her hair as she had when Sif was young. She heard the door open but felt no desire to see who it was. The war was won and life was lost and Sif, for the first time in her possibly immortal life, didn't care if anybody saw her. Let them see that even War weeps for the lost, she thought sadly. She felt someone kneel beside her and looked up to see Thor's solemn face. Wordlessly, she sat up and he pulled her toward him and they wept as they had not done since they were small.

"I miss them," Sif said, her voice small and sad. "Baldur, Loki, Lady Frigga."

"As do I," Thor said, planting a kiss on top of Sif's head. "But my mother would want us to go on. And so, we must try. For her."

And for Lady Frigga, she would.


	4. Natasha&Clint: Red in the Ledger

Love is for children. That was Natasha's story and she'd stick to it come hell or high water. Love opened you up for hurt. Love was a weapon that could be used against you. Love was a risk she couldn't take. She couldn't love Clint. If something happened to him because of her, he'd take her with him. Because, despite the belief that love was for children, she found herself becoming very childish when it came to Clint. And that couldn't happen. She'd lost so much in her life, she couldn't lose him too. She had so much red in her ledger and if his name was added, there would be no wiping it out. There would be no way to make up for it. So she'd be his friend, his confidant, but she could never be his love. Even though, when she was being totally and truly honest with herself, he was hers and probably always would be.


	5. Sharon and Peggy Carter: Time

Some of Sharon Carter's earliest memories were of her Aunt Peggy taking her to SHIELD. She could remember sitting on the floor, her hair in pigtails, drawing pictures and writing stories about her aunt kicking Hydra butt. Which was why, as she held the frail hand of the woman beside her, it was hard to reconcile that her Aunt Peggy was dying. She'd always seemed invulnerable to young Sharon, who'd often stare in awe, her big blue eyes as wide as saucers, as her aunt regaled her with tales from her days with the Howling Commandos and Captain America. Sharon supposed that this belief was ridiculous but, for some reason, it had persisted. Until Aunt Peggy developed Alzheimer's. She'd fought Nazis, Hydra, and the glass ceiling that in Peggy's day had been near impossible to break, and had come out on top. But the thing that would finally defeat her Aunt Peggy wasn't a Hydra Agent or the KGB: it would be time. And, as Sharon held her aunt's hand, though she'd had nearly thirty years with her, she realized that all she wanted in that moment, was more of it. More time to spend with her aunt who'd raised her and loved her and taught her everything she needed to know. A tear slipped down her cheek and she leaned over, kissing her sleeping aunt gently on the forehead before silently slipping out the door.


	6. Jane Foster: Written in the Heavens

Jane had always loved to stare at the stars. As a child, she would slip out of her window and onto the garage roof, contemplating their beauty. Her father would occasionally find her curled up out there and would come out and lay next to her, pointing out planets and constellations. When he died, Jane went up there one last time, wearing his college sweatshirt, and stared for hours, desperately searching the heavens for a sign, some comfort, and, just before she'd given up completely, a bright light streaked across the sky. It was an anomaly that no one could explain, but Jane took it as a sign. At that moment, seventeen year old Jane Foster knew exactly what she would do with the rest of her life. The stars were her past, present and future. After all, the greatest stories were always written in the heavens, weren't they?


	7. Jemma Simmons: For Fitz

Jemma Simmons lay on the rooftop, eyes staring up at the sky and searching the stars. A part of her hoped she'd see the tell-tale outline of their plane soaring across the darkened sky. The ache in her heart threatened to consume her as the memories of the BUS came flooding back in full force. They'd been a family. Coulson, May, Fitz, Skye, Ward, and her. But then, she supposed that was never really true. Ward was never their friend. And now Fitz, dear, sweet, wonderful Fitz would never be the same. And neither would she.

It was her fault. She knew this. She'd been the one to convince Fitz that getting in the field would be good for them. She'd been the one who just had to get onto that damn plane. And she'd been the one Fitz had been willing to sacrifice himself for, because he loved her.

In that moment, she'd made up her mind that, if they lived, she'd leave. She would not be the reason Leopold Fitz died. She loved him too much to let him sacrifice himself for her ever again.

So, after she was sure Fitz was going to recover, she'd snuck into his room, kissed him gently on the forehead, and crept quietly out into the night. Fitz would be better for it. And herself? She'd be better knowing that Fitz was better. And that was what mattered.

"For Fitz," she whispered into the cold air as tears leaked from her eyes. For Fitz she'd stay away. For Fitz, she'd sacrifice her own happiness. Because Fitz had sacrificed so much more than that for her.


End file.
